How to Hold On: Connection Teaches Kids Independence

Success in adulthood isn't something most people figure out on their eighteenth birthday. It's learned over years of watching, practicing, and leaning on the people around us.

Without stable family connections or exposure to everyday life responsibilities in a healthy home, many are expected to navigate housing, employment, finances, education, and relationships on their own.

The results are sobering.

Nationally, one-third of homeless youth and young adults have spent time in foster care, and among youth who leave foster care at age 17 or older, more than 40 percent are incarcerated by age 20.

A discussion commenced at the UAFS Center for Economic Development regarding the opportunities available to transitioning youth and the challenges of convincing them to stay connected long enough to benefit from them.

Hebron Franklin, who spent years in foster care and now uses his experience to mentor youth, said understanding the trauma children experience when they first enter care is essential to understanding why so many later reject the help available to them.

"Its impossible to wrap your head around. You didn't think it was possible for anybody to take you away from your mom or dad and when they do, you're supposed to scream 'stranger danger.'"

Those experiences can leave children living in a constant state of fight, flight, or shutdown. Those survival instincts often continue well into adulthood and make it difficult for kids aging out of care to accept help from the same systems that have traumatized them in the past.

For Hebron, the solution begins with recognizing young people's ability to make meaningful choices when they are given the right support.

"We have to believe in the agency of these children."

Giving young people knowledge and ownership goes a long way toward healing. Instead of making every decision for them, programs that empower youth while surrounding them with trusted adults help rebuild the confidence that trauma often steals.

That philosophy is the foundation of the GetREAL Program for young adults ages 18 to 21.

Rather than simply providing housing, the program creates an environment where participants experience the responsibilities of adulthood while still having guidance available when they need it. Young adults apply, interview for acceptance, and live in their own apartments while working toward employment, education, and life goals. They are paired with mentors and supported by life coaches.

The program currently serves 18 participants and has a waiting list.

According to Jenson Long, Director of Development for GetREAL, the program is designed to give young adults the freedom to make decisions while ensuring they are never forced to make those decisions alone.

"Independence is different for each of them. Independence does not mean doing things alone, but it's having the tools to make those decisions or having those connections to figure out the best way to do it."

Instead of controlling every decision, staff intentionally guide participants, respecting their ability to make decisions. The approach gives young adults the autonomy to learn through experience while building confidence in their own decision-making.

Success often comes through what many people would consider ordinary milestones like opening a bank account, paying rent on time, learning to grocery shop, or making a doctor's appointment independently. Those small victories become the building blocks of long-term stability.

Naomi Camyn, Transitional Youth Services Coordinator with DCFS, agreed that many transitioning youth simply have never had the opportunity to observe the routines and relationships that teach everyday adulthood. Without seeing stable housing, healthy family dynamics, budgeting, or consistent employment modeled over time, many need hands-on guidance as they begin building those skills for themselves.

Like many services available to transitioning youth, however, the Get Real Program and DCFS resources require participants to make a choice.

Young adults must choose to remain engaged with the supports available to them, including remaining under court jurisdiction to access many extended foster care services.

Despite the availability of extended foster care services, many eligible young adults choose to leave the system the moment they legally can.

Hebron understands why.

He explained that years of constant oversight can leave young people desperate to escape anything that resembles another rule or another authority figure.

"You're just tired of having the surveillance. You know you're tired of being watched."

For many, remaining under court jurisdiction feels like continuing the same system they have spent years trying to leave behind.

Lauren Ruff, Attorney Ad Litem with the Administrative Office of the Courts, said one of the greatest challenges is helping youth see that remaining under court jurisdiction is not about losing freedom. It is about gaining a stronger foundation.

To participate in extended foster care, young adults must choose to remain under court jurisdiction and meet basic education, employment, or life-planning requirements.

Hebron shared that when he entered foster care, he was placed five hours away from home in another county. Frequent moves and disrupted relationships taught him to keep people at a distance because he never knew who would remain in his life.

As one of ten siblings who were removed from his home, he said he and one brother are the only two who are neither incarcerated nor dependent on government assistance today. Looking back, he credits staying connected with the services available after foster care for helping him build momentum while many others walked away too soon or never learned to stop fighting.

Today, he encourages youth to stay connected during what can feel like their breaking point.

"So my mission has become telling them like legitimately if you just hold on a little longer. Because the moment that you want to let go...It's my mission to make sure that they hold on."

Ruff said preparing youth for adulthood is about far more than meeting program requirements. It begins with rebuilding the relationships that trauma has taken away.

"Community Connections are what make all of us thrive."

She explained that isolation affects far more than emotional well-being, for the parents as well as the children.

"Their closest connection, their child, has been ripped out from under them and they have a paralyzing anxiety and it makes it nearly impossible for them to take the necessary steps."

She added that social relationships directly influence how people process information and solve problems.

"We are creatures of social connections. When you rip those connections away, you are less capable of making cognitive decisions."

The more meaningful relationships young people build before adulthood, the more likely they are to remain engaged in the services designed to help them succeed.

Helping youth transition successfully out of foster care requires employers willing to offer first jobs, financial professionals willing to teach budgeting and credit, mentors willing to invest time, churches willing to build relationships, and community members willing to become the safe adults every young person deserves.

The statistics surrounding youth aging out of foster care are difficult to ignore. But every meaningful connection creates another opportunity to change those outcomes.